Dealing with a “Type A” Spouse
Don’t compete. Type A personalities can be very competitive, even with spouses and partners. They often lack self-esteem and carry a sense of dread, seeing any failure as a personal fault. Failure can, therefore, hit them hard and lead in some to depression or withdrawal. For the sake of your relationship, avoid competing with your Type A partner if at all possible – competition can lead to a toxic mix of inadequacy, jealousy, and resentment. Make it clear that you are not – and do not want to be – in competition with your partner. Type As may self-compare and develop of sense of being the “competent” member of the relationship, making it hard to celebrate a spouse’s success or have a relationship of equals. Tell your spouse what you’re noticing and that you’re not interested, i.e. “You seem to keep score between us, and that’s not what I want. I want to work as a teammate, not as competitors.” Give gentle encouragement and feedback – Type A personalities can be very sensitive to criticism. Praise your partner and encourage gratitude, while avoiding the negative.
Be patient and don’t take things personally. Type A personalities are also often perfectionists and can be very critical of others, including spouses, when they perceive a failure. Try not to get drawn into your partner’s critiques or take them to heart. They are really more about his own feelings of anxiety and self-worth than about you. Develop techniques to keep your cool, if you often find yourself becoming impatient. Try counting to 100 before you respond or taking a walk around the block. Also try to replace impatient responses with patient ones – like consciously speaking in a measured voice or writing your thoughts on paper instead of speaking. It helps to try to understand what makes your partner tick. Type A personalities and perfectionists are often trying to mask other emotions; they may have had chaotic childhoods or are dealing with feelings of abandonment and micromanage to gain a sense of control. When your partner, say, criticizes you over a minor point like the way you fold the bath towels, try to see it as a reflection of these emotions rather than a personal attack.
Set limits. A Type A personality’s assertiveness, perfectionism, and competitiveness can make them very controlling. Be ready to stand up for yourself. Be clear that you have boundaries and then set and uphold limits on your partner’s behavior. At the same time, don’t try to control the controller. Be assertive rather than becoming involved in power-struggles. Focus on high-priority issues. Take a stand on things that you really care about, like children’s schooling, rather than minor issues like the toothpaste tube. Be calm and clear in upholding your limits, i.e. “I appreciate your advice, but I really want to do this my own way.” Be willing to repeat yourself, and share your feelings and tell your partner when he’s hurt you.
Communicate and compromise. Communication is the key to any successful relationship, but especially with a Type A personality. It is a two-way street, as well. Type As often assume they know best, but they will have to be willing to compromise for both parties to be happy. You can’t be the only one making allowances. Be honest but loving when communicating with your partner. Try to make him see that there is more than one “right way” to do things. For example, your method of cleaning the floors might be less efficient but it still does the job just as well. Try to negotiate such things as housework and parenting styles, too. For example, you might agree to clean the bathroom every week, but insist that you can only do the laundry every other week.
Working with a Controlling Boss or Co-worker
Accept the positives. Type A personalities can be very hard to work with: micromanagers who are controlling, hypercritical, and do not always work well with others. That said, though, they can also bring positive qualities to the workplace. Remind yourself of these when you are feeling particularly frustrated with a Type A boss or coworker. Try to value your colleague’s perfectionism. While they can be irritating, you can rest assured that perfectionists will do a competent job and maintain or even raise your workplace’s standards. Perfectionists are also completely involved in their work. They will be committed and emotionally invested in the task at hand.
Don’t waste time. Type As are competitive, have a constant sense of urgency, and are usually able to manage a large amount of unrelated tasks at the same time. They will expect the same urgency and work ethic from you, too, as a matter of course. Be aware of these traits and try to satisfy them, especially if the resident Type A is your boss. The fastest way to get on a Type A personality’s nerves is to waste her time. Try to keep up and work at the same pace she does. Be to the point when talking, too. Type As appreciate clear and succinct communication. Show up on time for work, meetings, and any other events. By being late, a Type A personality will feel that you are not worthy of her time and that you’ve robbed her of productivity. In the same vein, have a clear schedule, goals, and deadlines when working together. Type A personalities dislike uncertainty and will appreciate the concrete timeline.
Give and take criticism very carefully. Type A personalities tend to criticize others but bridle when others criticize them. This is because, deep down, they are insecure about their self-worth and only hear the negatives when getting feedback. The key to working well with this sort of person is to accept criticism, letting it bounce off you while learning to give gentle feedback. If it’s from your boss, don’t take the criticism to heart. Instead, remind yourself that this is just who your boss is – it is nothing personal. Don’t be tempted to respond in kind. Doing so will only make your boss angry or defensive. You might frame any feedback in terms of asking for advice, i.e. “I’m not sure how best to help you with this project. Tell me, what sort of feedback would you find the most helpful?” This way, you won’t demotivate or demoralize your colleague.
Set boundaries, again. You may not be able to speak your mind if the Type A personality is your boss. However, you can make it clear to other coworkers that you are willing to accommodate their personality but not to bend over backwards. Be clear, kind, and collegial and don’t apologize for it. They will only interpret a concession as a sign of weakness. Avoid confrontations with a Type A boss. Say you are working on a project and your boss objects to some ideas that you’ve added. State your reasons for the additions calmly. However, don’t argue if she still insists that you remove them. Putting your foot down will only make the relationship tense, or even get you fired. If your boss is asking too much of you, you can try to gently assert yourself. Say something like, “I really want to do this project exactly how you want it, but I also need to preserve some balance in my life.” Then, ask your boss for his thoughts and advice. If your boss responds well, consider asking how to handle similar situations in the future. You can be less flexible with coworkers. For instance, you don’t need to accommodate a Type A peer who criticizes the way you talk, eat, or work around the office. Just say, politely, “This is just the way I am. I don’t think I can change.” You might try a “hit-and-run” style of communication with difficult colleagues to assert yourself. State your position or what you want and then immediately excuse yourself, saying “Sorry, I have to run. I’ll talk to you later.”
Managing a Perfectionist Child
Cultivate your child’s talents, but don’t overdo it. Perfectionism is not a wholly negative trait. While studies show that perfectionists are more likely to develop depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and other conditions, there are also positives. Gifted individuals can often attain great achievements by striving for perfection. The key is balance. Be aware that perfectionism can be a powerful motivator for a child but is also a source of stress. Try to be sensitive to sources of pressure on the child, whether at home or at school. If your child has a particular talent, encourage and celebrate it without going so far that your child comes to depend on your praise to feel good. Also, allow the child to take risks and to have safe opportunities to fail. Consider pointing out positive, imperfect role models in the community or media so your child learns that no one can be perfect.
Set realistic priorities and goals. You as a parent are your child’s main model for behavior and you too might be a Type A personality or perfectionist. The child will see your response to work, success, and failure and learn from it, so aim to moderate any unhealthy perfectionism in yourself. Try to set high but realistic personal priorities and goals. Avoid negativity when it comes to work. Saying “If I don’t get this project done on time, I’ll be so unhappy” shows a child that you equate your happiness with professional success. Instead, say something like “I worked hard on this project and did my best. It doesn’t need to be perfect.” The same goes for praising your child. If the child makes something, say “I really like what you’ve made” rather than “It’s perfect!” Help your child develop high but achievable standards. Encourage good grades at school, for example, but make it clear that the effort is what is important rather than a perfect mark. A “C” can be a good grade for a student who struggles with math, for example.
Teach your child to learn from failure. Perfectionists usually see the world in black and white terms, either in success or failure. One way to counteract this mindset is to teach kids early on to focus on effort and process, not on the outcome. Show by your own example that failure is not a catastrophe but an opportunity to learn and improve. Let children know that mistakes are a normal part of life and learning. If your child is upset about a mistake or failure, avoid dismissing them by saying something like “Oh, don’t worry. It doesn’t matter!” Instead, recognize and validate the feelings. Later you can talk about the bright side of the situation and suggest ways for them to cope. Praise effort and not just success, as well. Encourage children to self-assess and to examine failures to see how they can improve in the future. Another way that you can temper perfectionism is by reminding children that they can’t control everything. Teach them to focus on what they can control, like work ethic, attitude, preparation, and level of effort.
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